Finally — some real news going on way up here in the nether region. And by real news, I mean national, CNN-worthy, big-time, major player news. Now, I know my reputation as a hard-hitting, take-no-prisoners reporter precedes me, so by reading this, you are expecting the scoop. Heck, I was expecting the scoop. This sounds like a letdown, doesn’t it? Yeah, it is. Please allow me to back up.
There I was, wearing my porkpie hat with the press card in the band, sitting in my car staking out some other news at the North Cascades National Bank in Twisp when I received a text from my Mazama neighbor, Don Davidson. Don was asking what I knew about the big illegal drug find in Mazama. Embarrassing as it was to admit, the answer was “nothing.” But, seeing that Google is my friend — albeit a spying, creepy friend — I quickly got up to speed. And in case you have yet to read about it yourself, I have the synopsis of what the news sources are reporting.
On June 17, two suitcases full of methamphetamine were discovered in the Okanogan-Wenatchee National Forest in Mazama. The drugs weighed 186 pounds and had a street value of around $1 million. The Okanogan County Sheriff’s Office assisted Homeland Security with a smuggling investigation and Sgt. Gene Davis and his K-9 partner, Gunner, were the ones to have found the drugs in the forest. Way to go, Okanogan County Sheriff’s Office.
After getting this information, I felt that not only was this going to make Mazama famous, but this was my big chance to scoop everyone and win some gonzo prize. After all, that is my goal by writing this column. So, I got out there and hit the mean streets of Mazama in order to find out more. This actually means that I texted a couple of people — OK, one person — Googled a little more, and harassed my UPS driver to give me any news he had — which was zilch. I tuned in my binoculars and searched the forests and I even hid in the bushes waiting for some official vehicles to drive by so I could follow them.
All of this has produced nothing, for which I am a little ashamed. So, until I can suss out something that you don’t already know, please allow a little creative license here. The following is simply a fantastical — and not at all plausible — bit of story that I made up about this meth that was found. Remember: Not true!
After climbing up Scramble Point last night, wearing my full camouflage suit, I finally spied the Homeland Security Team sitting on top of the suitcases — yes, those suitcases — drinking coffee nudges, and enjoying a campfire. They were all laughing heartily and I heard one of them say a name of who was behind this whole smuggling operation. I couldn’t believe my ears, so I quietly crept closer to hear more. This is when I heard enough to fill in the gaps that we are all dying to learn.
It was DB Cooper, the famed 1970s skyjacker that parachuted out of a plane with $200,000 of stolen money, who smuggled these illegal drugs into the country. Yes, the infamous DB Cooper is alive and well and still using planes for no good. He had arranged to drop the suitcases directly at the Harts Pass Ranger Station, yet age and poor eyesight made him miss his mark. The suitcases hit the ground instead near Scramble Point Trail and DB, afraid to get caught, radioed the Feds with the meth’s whereabouts and then kept on flying into the night.
You read it here first. And last. Just remember that it isn’t true. According to Kevin Petty — who is not DB Cooper — we are all crazy in our own way.