By Joanna Bastian
In this season of gratitude, it is important to keep the balance in the universe by practicing the age-long tradition of Festivus — the Airing of Grievances.
Let us begin.
• Wasps. I would be grateful that weather that is too cold for the little buggers, but now I’m vacuuming up their carcasses as they fall out of the woodwork to die. They may be less annoying now, but they are creating more housework. I just cleaned these floors, and there are three more dead bodies that appeared.
• Dead bugs on the carpet. If only they would be considerate enough to stay within the walls when they die during the chilly months. Less vacuuming, more insulation. Win — win.
• Junk mail masquerading as real mail. I just spent two whole minutes opening an envelope that looked important. All I got was a paper cut and an added chore of recycling. That is two minutes of my life that I will never get back. Who knows what number of unidentified germs just jumped off the envelope and into a freshly sliced paper cut?
• Molded plastic packaging. Nothing is more irritating than to realize that the knife you needed to purchase because you have no knife is encased in an impenetrable package that requires a knife to open the package that holds the knife you need. Three entire minutes of my life wasted, and an open wound from jagged plastic covered in countless germs. Between this and junk mail I am now out a perfectly good five minutes and have developed a case of gangrene. Dear manufacturers, just pack those things in a little recyclable cardboard box.
• Movies with no plot line. That was two hours of my life that I will never get back. However, as there were no gashing wounds involved, this grievance is slightly lower on the list than junk mail and molded plastic packaging.
• People who claim they don’t eat vegetables. They might as well announce their constant state of constipation and a degraded immune system. It’s disgusting. Eat a vegetable.
• Coats that don’t have that little loop of fabric that goes on a coat hook. What are we, savages?
• People who complain about loud chewers. There are people starving in this world who have nothing to eat at all. Celebrate that someone is eating. Unless, of course, it’s a crinkly bag of potato chips — in that case, hand them a bowl.
• Crinkly bags. Whoever makes these should be stuck next to a crinkly bag snacker in a movie theater, watching a movie without a plot line. Boxes are quieter. Boxes are great. Boxes are recyclable and don’t result in open gaping wounds! What do you have against boxes?
• Socks that ball up underfoot in a boot. What is point of that elastic sock top if not to hold up a sock? It’s like a coat without a coat-hook loop.
To practice an Airing of Grievances, find a pole. Any pole will do: telephone pole, fence pole, flag pole, or even a pole dancing pole, and with your gloved hand placed upon the frozen pole, air a grievance. Happy Festivus!