Blue Christmas offers solace

Merriest season may also invoke grief, sadness, depression

By Laurelle Walsh

In the past year, you or someone you know has experienced separation and loss: children have left home; parents have passed away; marriages have dissolved and houses have burned down. Many carry around the weight of sorrow and pain every day.

And while society demands that we make merry during the holidays, someone recovering from loss may find it difficult to summon the requisite Christmas cheer.

In recognition of those who grieve, Pastor Donald Ford of the Methow Valley United Methodist Church invites the community to take part in a Blue Christmas service on Sunday (Dec. 21) at 6 p.m.

“Blue Christmas is basically a validation of people’s feelings,” Ford said. “There are a lot of people really hurting at this time.”

Held on the longest night of the year, Blue Christmas is a time for quiet, contemplative worship with those that mourn, Ford said. It is also a time of hope, as the days will only get longer from here, he added.

Lights in the sanctuary will be kept low, and peaceful music will accompany the brief service. Ford will give a reading from the Bible and tell a story about “one of the toughest Christmases of my life,” he said.

“I’m not a certified counselor, but I can acknowledge some of the experiences people are going through,” said Ford, no stranger to hardship himself.

You’re not alone

If you feel stressed out by non-stop advertisements of beautiful people making merry, pressured to spend money you don’t have, harassed by jolly Christmas carols, or overwhelmed by your own expectations of a perfect holiday, you’re not alone.

In fact, eight out of 10 people polled by the American Psychological Association (APA) said they anticipate stress during the holiday season. And people who are already experiencing stress in other areas of their life — loss of a job, financial trouble, the breakup of a relationship — may be especially vulnerable to increased anxiety during the holidays, according to the APA.

“Expectations are tough at this time of year,” said Jeff Ulmer, a psychologist with a practice in Winthrop. Most people don’t have the means to have their fantasy Christmas, and feel disappointed by that, he said.

“I was watching a football game the other day and noticing how you get bombarded with ads of how Christmas should be,” Ulmer said. “Well that’s not really how it is for a lot of people.”

And those who suffer from year-round depression may feel it magnified during the holidays, said Winthrop-based mental health counselor Susan Peterson.

Seeing others happy and not feeling it yourself can lead to isolation, and further feelings of sadness, Peterson explained. “It’s all part of the struggle, feeling like ‘I shouldn’t be sad,’ or ‘I shouldn’t feel depressed.’ Don’t put expectations on yourself that you have to feel a certain way.”

And, only five months after fires and floods transformed the lives of many people in the Methow, this may be a very different kind of Christmas.

“This is the first Christmas since the fires,” noted Ford. “People have lost things, maybe everything but their lives.”

For some fire victims this will be the first Christmas in an unfamiliar house without the family heirlooms and decorations that make the celebration special. “People need to be allowed to have their experience and mourn that loss. It’d be unrealistic not to have difficulties coping right now,” Ulmer said.

Even those fortunate enough not to have lost property experienced trauma; some remark months later that they still scrutinize every cloud on the horizon and jump at every helicopter overhead. Many in the community wonder: When will life stabilize around here?

Peterson herself recently felt a pang of sadness as she was pulling out her Christmas decorations and thought, “What if these were all gone? There are people out there who aren’t able to do that this year,” she told the News.

“This is a time of additional grief and loss, but we have to remember it’s still OK to go out and enjoy the holidays,” she said.

The pain of ‘firsts’

For someone who has recently experienced the death of a family member, encountering “firsts” — first birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas — without their loved one can bring up grief in an intense, new way, said Peterson. “There can be some feeling of betrayal when life begins to go back to normal after the loss of a loved one. But being happy is not being disrespectful to that person,” she said.

Gathering with others and acknowledging each others’ feelings may bring us toward healing, Ulmer said.

“Fellowship is a major remedy for grief,” and Blue Christmas might be a good way to connect with others at a time when people feel disconnected, he said. “People can come together with the understanding that not everyone’s having a fabulous time, but we can still be together.”

“It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one experiencing difficulty. Knowing that you’re not alone with your feelings may help,” Ford said.

And it’s important for everyone to take a break from the busy-ness of holiday preparations, Peterson said; even 15 minutes may help. “Blue Christmas sounds like a great opportunity to sit and decompress a bit. Take time out to contemplate the meaning of the holiday,” she said.

A growing tradition

While this is his first Blue Christmas since moving to the Methow Valley last summer, Ford began offering Blue Christmas services to his former congregation in Pagosa Springs, Colorado, six or seven years ago, he said. Churches all around the United States have incorporated the event into their Christmas traditions for some time, and interest is growing, he added.

Doors are open to everyone, regardless of religious belief, said Ford.

The service ends when a person feels ready to leave, he said. “I want to allow people to be alone with God in the sanctuary until they feel they can go out into the world again.”

For more information on Blue Christmas, call the church office at 997-9292.